“Just when you think you got me figured out...”
“…the season is already changing.”
Hello, again. It’s been quite a while. I kinda forgot I had a blog for a minute to be honest. Life just really got busy for me over the summer…
I actually made an effort to enjoy this summer. I sat outside a lot. Went on lots of walks. Played with my daughter. Saw live music. Attended local block parties and car shows and markets. Spent time with family. Spent time making art. Bought a bunch of plants, and actually kept most of them alive! It was a healing, relaxing, introspective few months…
I also just finished decluttering and redecorating my studio basement. I worked really hard. It was like, a whole process and a journey in itself. Just — A whole transformational thing I really wasn’t expecting it to be. I started on it a month and a half ago, after fooling myself into thinking “Eh, it should only take me about a week.” I mean I already have a pretty poor concept of time, but I didn’t realize I had also decided to start this little project the week before Mercury Retrograde… ugh.
I made a bunch of dumb mistakes. I bought the wrong paint, and had to paint my staircase twice. I got sick. I got an ear infection. An old friend passed away, and I spent a week in grieving. I struggled with motivation, I struggled with getting rid of things. I kept getting minor injuries that slowed me down. I kept breaking things, and all my limbs felt clumsy. Ants infested my kitchen. All of my vacuum attachments went missing.. IDK. It was just one frustrating thing after another. After another. I reeally felt this retrograde period. & It literally wasn’t until the day it went direct—at the beginning of this week, finally the fog lifted. I am now putting the finishing touches on my new “den”, and I really could not be more excited to get back to my routine.
It was right around this time last year I actually started working towards this new version of myself and my home that I had envisioned… & I had a lot of work to do. My basement transformation was just sort of the last step of an entire series of changes I made this year. I also decluttered, redecorated and repainted almost every other room in my house too. It feels comfortable, and efficient.. It feels like an extension of myself and my art. And I am proud of the work it took for me to get myself here.
The way my home makes me feel has been especially important to me in this season of life, because I have been battling Agoraphobia since 2020. I already had issues with social anxiety, but the way the world changed really fucked with me for a long time. After a series of public panic attacks I started going through long stretches of not leaving the house at all, for months… I’ve been dealing with it and I’m putting it behind me now. But I honestly feel like my experience with agoraphobia changed my brain chemistry in really important ways, and i’m genuinely grateful for everything I learned about myself while I stayed home.
One of the ways I helped myself through, was by utilizing art therapy and writing. Keeping a consistent journal and creating art to separate myself from my feelings has been deeply beneficial to me. Art therapy gave me a way to analyze myself without getting stuck in my own head.
Creativity can be a lifeline in dark times… It’s the best way to bring your demons out in front of you to dissect. Meeting the source of your internal struggles is incredibly empowering, and I deeply believe that knowledge and understanding of yourself is the fastest road to healing.
Speaking of creativity & healing, last month I joined an art challenge hosted by a YouTube creator called Struthless. It is a weekly art challenge and the goal is to create 26 works of art; one for each letter of the alphabet. I chose the theme of “shadow-self” and I decided to explore my theme using photography, mixed-media & cyanotype as my medium. I actually have been keeping up and I have already made 3 works of art, but part of the challenge is to share your pieces publicly.. and I’ve failed on that bit. It’s just that I have been mostly off of social media since 2020 as well… and I have had a really tough time coming back. I mean; is social-media-anxiety a thing? Cause if it is, I definitely have that.
Every time I open instagram I feel a sense of urgency. It all moves so fast, trends come and go too quickly. Even though I’m actually really proud of my personal progress and all the choices I’ve been making in my private life, I still feel like I’m falling behind in comparison… So I just started avoiding it altogether. But I’ve noticed that the avoidance is becoming unhealthy for me too. I feel forgotten and irrelevant.. and bitter. And I’m getting sick of all my own stale excuses. It’s just time for me to force myself back “out” there now.
I guess I’ll make an attempt to start sharing my weekly art projects on my blog… for all 9 of my readers. Lol. I am historically pretty inconsistent, but I really have been trying my best to balance my life and make my way back to the internet. I genuinely do appreciate the few of you who have continued to support me and follow my work. Sorry I keep abandoning ya’ll.
Anyway… I guess that’s it for now.
XO, H