“no one told me I was just an onion…”
Hi. I have several half-written posts in my drafts page at the moment, but I don’t really feel like working on any of those. I’m trying to make an honest effort to update this blog weekly though, and it’s been… longer than that since my last post… so I’m just going to write about stuff that is currently on my brain.
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My birthday is coming up soon. In about a week. I really just can’t fucking believe another year has passed already… Really, it’s so wild. I feel like time is flying by. I cut my hair all the way off last summer. Then I grew it back out. I updated my wardrobe and learned how to dress my body. I cleaned and painted and purged my house. I purged my ‘friends list’. My daughter lost her baby teeth. I got a business license. I re-built my website. I started this blog. I learned how to advocate for myself. I found something to believe in… I really went through a whole transformation.
It feels like ten years of growth happened in ten seconds. Like a fever dream on fast-forward. IDK, I can’t explain what I just went through any better than that. It’s wild to me because before this year I felt like I was stuck in sludge. My whole life felt stagnant and stuck and heavy and hard. For literally like, four years. The pandemic obviously had a lot to do with that but it hit me especially hard because I personally used that time for “shadow work”. I went deep. & that shit was tough work.
I had to learn to love and accept all the things I had been ignoring and masking. & After digging it all up, I was left with all these raw nerves and puzzle pieces… like a game of Operation. It was a deeply uncomfortable experience and I had no idea how I was going to fit myself together again. But then somehow, over the last year all those pieces just sorta fell into place…
The lessons emerged. The light turned on. All the seeds I planted burst into bloom. It finally makes sense to me — All the bullshit. I mean, the amount of times I’ve broken down in tears of relief + joy over the last month I can’t even tell you. I don’t know if it’s something cosmic, or just a grand sequence of coincidences… but my intuition is on fire lately. Constant validation, signs from the Universe — my ‘higher self’. Rapid expansion. Head-in-the-clouds/feet-on-the-ground kinda mood… Such a deep state of reflection and gratitude.
I never really feel ready for my birthday, but I’m always grateful for the trip.
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I’ve been exploring and playing with photography, again. Mostly Lo-fi. Instant film & y2k-era digital equipment. I also got myself a papershoot camera for Mother’s Day and it’s really been inspiring me to go out and about and take pictures of everything. It feels good. It feels right… I missed photography.
The papershoot camera is really fun so far, because it’s SO low-stakes. No screen, no real settings. Full point & shoot. It’s made of cardboard. It feels like using a disposable camera except that it has an SD card instead of film so you can take basically endless shots. I took it to the Fisherman’s Village Music Fest in my neighborhood over the weekend, and I got some pretty good photos… and some pretty bad ones. Lol. I didn’t look at them until the next evening and it’s really such a nostalgic experience to have to wait and see what you shot. I especially like this format though because it also satisfies my need for instant gratification — being able to just plug my SD card into my phone. Genuinely the best of both worlds. I’m here for this kind of retro-futuristic technology.
Anyway, the fisherman’s fest was really pretty amazing. It’s been happening in Everett annually for like 10 years or something, but I had never been before. The reason I finally went is because Shannon & The Clams were playing. & I fucking love them. I couldn’t miss them. But I was actually having pretty bad anxiety all day, the day of…
I couldn’t pick an outfit. I was nervous to go alone. Everything was going wrong. I had chores I felt like I should’ve been doing instead. I was tired and emotional… overwhelmed. In the past, I would have given up and just gone to bed early. But I already decided that i’m not that Haley anymore. So instead, I washed my face. I took a deep breath, and I walked out the door.
It was about 2 hours before sunset when I left. & it was fucking gorgeous outside. I was greeted by a flock of seagulls overhead. The air smelled like summer. I got cat-called by a bum. I saw lots of cute dogs and fluffy clouds… I took it all in. & took lots of pictures. My walk was meditative and grounding and calm.
Twenty minutes later I was in a beer garden watching a band play. Anxiety was gone. I was alone… and everything was fine. It was actually more than “fine”… It was peaceful, and healing and fun. I enjoyed being there alone. On my own time. In my own energy. In control of my own vibe… I never realized how much codependent relationships could fuck with your sense of balance.
After my solo beer, I met-up with a really good friend I hadn’t seen in a while. It felt so good to hug her and laugh with her again. We picked up right where we left off… We made plans to collaborate again soon. When she left, I ran into more friends. and then more friends; lots of deep-talks and big hugs.
I also happened to walk into the venue right as Adia Victoria was taking the stage. I had never heard her before, but I was immediately captivated by her stage presence. She looked cool af and she is wildly talented. She really put on a show. Big fan.
The venue started to fill up pretty quickly after that. I crammed myself into the corner of the front row during the Shannon & The Clams set, and danced and sang along to every song… & I didn’t actually take very many photos of them because I was too busy enjoying myself.
Live music is really so healing. Their song ‘Ozma’, (written by Shannon after her dog passed) literally got me through the passing of my beloved dog. I played it on repeat for a month straight. This month happens to be 2 years since her passing and it just felt like the end of a cycle, or something… to discover that song on spotify the month she died and then hear it live 2 years later, practically to the day. Magical “core memory” moment. <3
Towards the end of the night, this fairy lady dressed-up in lights randomly approached me and started info-dumping about divine energy, angel numbers, astrology, astral travel, chakras and ancient egyptians… lol. She taught me a new breathing technique, and she offered advice about anxiety. It probably sounds weird, but she was actually really insightful and intelligent. No cap.
My exchange with her sticks out in my memory because she appeared like a messenger, eager to speak to me specifically. I think she may have been on the spectrum… But I honestly had no problem keeping up with the things she was saying while everyone else around us watched and listened like we were “crazy” people. & After our illuminating chat, it was immediately obvious to me that it was a message.
The simple message was that I never would have met her, or had any of those other beautifully healing talks and experiences with my old friends, if I had let my anxiety control me that day.
When I got home I sat on my bathroom floor and cried.
Tears of relief + joy.
I haven’t been this excited about summer in a long time. But I am ready to live again. Everything feels so… finite, and timed right now. Birthday seasons are really good for reminding you how quickly an entire lifetime can pass by, especially if you’re living on auto-pilot. I just want to experience all of my experiences. I don’t have time to be scared of living my life anymore. and I got some big plans.
I guess that’s all for now.
xo, H MT