“If You're Right, You’ll Agree…”

“…A better version of me.”

This is new. All new. Starting over, again…

And again, and again, and again…

Whoever said that “Life is just a series of beginnings and endings” was right.

I have decided to give myself a fresh, empty space to breathe in. Social media is too crowded. The sense of urgency, and disparate energies.. so much desperation and loneliness.. mostly it just feels foggy. Society as a whole feels really misguided and lost, right now. Polluted. Scrolling through my newsfeed makes my lungs hurt.

At the same time, my soul is also hurting for connection. To be heard. To share, and to heal.. and to learn. With and from others. Out loud.

—

I have been thinking about communication a lot. Like, as a concept. There are so many different ways to communicate different things. The way we speak and interact on the internet is the most simple and direct form of self-expression. But it is oftentimes a bit of an overlooked outlet, I think… a lot of people are careless with their words.

A lot of people go around talking, and talking, and talking.. filling any bit of silence around them. Clogging the servers. Never giving anyone else a chance to reach surface-level in the algorithm… “Sharing” becomes reckless when you’re constantly chasing external validation.

And on the other hand, some people don’t say enough. Some people are too quiet, too reserved. Too private… They don’t speak up when they should. and oftentimes, that leads to alienation. Having their narratives rewritten in their abscence.. and ultimately ending up cast-off and ignored.

Perhaps by the tone of my words, you can tell which side of the coin I resonate with most.

I suppose we should all be striving for balance…

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I’m pretty into astrology, (Gemini Sun, Taurus Moon, Aquarius Rising) and i’ve been reflecting a bit about how I am a double Air sign… and how much i’ve been blocking my own communication. I’ve been doing it for a long time now; so closed off to the world. To everyone. I’ve been so focused on my own private, personal growth that I hardly even realized that almost four years have passed since the last time I really participated in any sort of community.

Right before the pandemic I was meeting up with my local art collective weekly, and participating in group art shows almost monthly. I didn’t fully realize until recently how much it hurt to lose those connections I made, right after I had found them… The last few years truly fucked everything up that I had going on. I am really only just beginning to actually process it. I feel like I just got pulled out of auto-pilot. Like, seriously what the fuck was that? What a long, strange trip.

Even though my art career got thrown off-course a bit, in a lot of ways I’m glad I was redirected. Who knows what kinda messes I would’ve made for myself if I had continued down the path I started on… I hardly even recognize the shell of the Haley that I inhabited in 2019. Can’t relate.

I’ve been taking my time re-entering society.. but I was getting a little too cozy in my solitude. It was becoming unhealthy. So, I’m working on rebuilding my connections now… re-establishing my presence. I also just got done redecorating my apartment.. and my whole life, really. New website for my business. New blog. New clothes. New friends. New everything. I’m so sick of looking at all the same old shit.

Around this time last year, I fell down the “personal style” rabbit hole on YouTube. I learned about the Kibbe body types, and Seasonal colors, and Style essences and alll the things. I was obsessed with it for like, months. & I learned quite a bit.. (IYKYK: I have an ‘Ethereal Essence’, a ‘Soft Gamine’ Body type, and I land somewhere in the middle of the Soft Summer/Soft Autumn color spectrum) But the most valuable thing I got from that journey was the ability to look at myself objectively, and to begin to understand how much of my clothing was just… noise. A mask. A distraction. Hardly any of the garments in my wardrobe actually matched the vision I have of my “best-self”. Hardly any of it even fit on my body properly, anymore.

After reassessing and trying on all of my clothes again, I ended up filling 6 garbage bags full of unwanted things and donating them.. and I don’t think I’m done yet. I have been establishing a “uniform” for myself. Continuing to cull my wardrobe monthly until every piece feels… me. And easy.. no more second-guessing. I know what is most important to me. & All I really need in my house is my art supplies, my overalls, and my daughter.

This last year of self-discovery has definitely felt confusing and frustrating for me at times, but all of it ultimately led me here. This new blog, this empty space.. and I’m really grateful for the journey. For months I have been reaching for this space. Tirelessly purging and sorting my surroundings of all the things keeping me from it. Keeping me from this moment, right now. The funny thing is that I couldn’t even see it, until right now. Literally as i’m writing this post. I am experiencing this realization in real time.

I had no idea how this was going to emerge.. or what was on the other side of the coccoon I built around myself. I have found myself panicking at times, waking up in tears. Terrified that I was making a mistake, or that I was forgetting something… but I’m realizing now that it was just grief. I was grieving the version of myself I was leaving behind. & I spent real time working through it, feeling those feelings. Really seeing myself, and letting go of all the parts of me that don’t serve me going forward. Establishing routines and healthy boundaries and self-confidence. Journaling and meditating and solitude. Like—I really did that shit. I did the work.

Nobody can tell me anything about who I am anymore. I know myself infinitely better than anybody else ever could. Truly. I really don’t care about people who don’t like me, anymore. I know the purity of my intentions, and my heart. I know the depth of my shadow. I’m aware of the ways i’ve been toxic in my past, I’m aware of the spots I still need to heal, and I’ve made all the necessary apologies I needed to make at this point. I owe nothing. and I deserve everything I’ve been dreaming of, and working for.

This post was sort of just intended to be a freewrite to warm myself up to blogging, again. I didn’t necessarily plan on publishing this… But I’m liking the way this is flowing. This introduction is good enough.… all of it is good enough. It’s always been good enough. I don’t have to show up perfectly to deserve to be seen. & perfection isn’t the goal for me, anymore.

So.. hello. This is my new online diary. These are my currents thoughts. This is where i’m at. and this is where i’m going to leave it.

Talk soon.

@Haley.Empty (aka Haley Mariah Tuesday)