“She was a girl, soft but estranged…”
Hi. It’s the end of February? Already?? Wow, time is moving fast. I’ve been extraordinarily distracted and busy for the last several months… but I always eventually circle back around to this enduring itch. The itch to write. To share my thoughts. To make art, by myself, in the middle of the night.
I genuinely don’t give any kind of a shit about social media anymore, but I feel a strong pull towards this space. This new, empty space… I mean I created it almost a year ago already, but it still feels relatively new to me. I’ve just been trying to flow; allow myself a bit more time to grow beneath the surface. I’m really tired of sabotaging my own organic process by rushing to meet society’s arbitrary timelines. I’m on my own clock. & I needed to integrate some more lessons and dress some more wounds before I felt totally secure putting myself back out again… But i’ve been feeling pretty good lately. Consistently. I’m feeling ready to move forward.
I just created a new youtube channel. It’s also called ‘Empty Diary’, and I created it to act as a visual companion to this blog. I don’t know exactly how it’s going to flesh-out yet but I have been feeling really confident in the direction I am going. I’m here to build more connections, and contribute inspiration to the collective. I’m here to model vulnerability and honesty. I’m here to be authentic and creative. I’m not worried about any aLgOriThM anymore. My social media numbers are not a measure of my creativity, my skill, or my worth. Periodt.
The real difference between who I am now and who I used to be, is that I’ve finally recognized the possibilities in my potential. My skillset is so much more expansive than it used to be. My purpose is more apparent to me. I feel less afraid… & I am proud of who I am right now. I can’t allow myself to write my next chapter in the dark. I need light, and water.
It makes me a little sad when I think back on who I was a few years ago… how bruised, and sad, and lost I felt. The way I hid myself, the way I judged myself. The way I held myself back and pushed people away… I am deeply grateful for the journey at this stage, but it has been hard not to internalize my isolation period as “wasted” time. I had to teach myself to identify the lessons in the struggles… But it all taught me something. All of it made me stronger.
Spending time alone taught me to value self-validation over the approval of others. I learned to prioritize the act of creating — to prioritize the way making art makes me feel. I began to make art for myself again; to help myself grow. To connect with myself. I have created dozens and dozens of pieces no one has ever seen… pieces I am actually extremely proud of. But keeping my work private helped me to identify a purpose for all it, outside of my ego.
I do think it’s valuable and helpful to personal growth to share parts of your artistic journey online, but not all of it is meant for everyone. I think you need time away from outside influences to see yourself and hear your own voice clearly. I wouldn’t have evolved the way I needed to if I had attempted to do it in front of everyone. It’s basically impossible to develop into a healthy, well-adjusted, creative individual when you are constantly comparing your everyday life to other people’s carefully curated highlight reels.
I spent a lot of years wishing my life away. I spent a lot of my precious, irreplaceable time believing that I was not good enough. I spent my entire 20’s looking ahead to when I thought I’d finally have all the success I was seeking. I never stopped dreaming, I never stopped pushing myself… but I still never quite “made” it. Now all of the sudden I’m about to be 35. & I am technically still exactly where I started all those years ago… Except I am an entirely different person with an entirely different understanding about what is actually important and valuable to me. The time was spent, but it was not wasted. It was invested.
I don’t think I would have been happy with my life if I got everything I wished for back then… I don’t know where I would have found the time I actually needed to bond and grow with my daughter. I would not have become the strong and grounded mother that I am now; I would not have learned the value of my place in my own family.
My house became a home because I nurtured it and cared for it. My daughter is thriving, because I pour my love and my energy and my creativity into raising her. I am becoming the person I want to be because I am learning to prioritize the things that are good for me, and letting go of all the bullshit. I didn’t see the way my foundation was crumbling until I actually crawled underneath my floorboards. I didn’t realize how much inner-work I actually had to deal with… but I did deal with it. I am dealing with it. I am better than I’ve ever been… yet I still have so much to learn, and so much space to grow. & I truly wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Actually, life is beautiful and I have time.”
I guess that’s it for now… I basically just wanted to give an update and say hello. I’m still sort of processing all of these thoughts and changes, but I just wanted to tell whoever reads this that i’m doing well.
Thanks for being here. It really means somethin’ to me. <3
Be back soon.
xo, Haley ᵉMᵖTʸ
