“…projecting the light that i’m lacking.”
“Your friend surpasses you. You’re stoked for him, and he brings you up. Then, you surpass him. He’s stoked for you, and you bring him up. The cycle of support can literally never end. Stairway straight to the moon. Only fools want their own elevator.” @thedulab
Hi. So — I saw this tweet being passed around a while ago, and it got me in my head a bit… It actually made me feel really sad. & I’ve been trying to articulate my feelings about it for a while now. I think it made me sad because it made me realize that I’ve lifted a whole lot of people up above me, but really not many at all have reached back down to pull me up behind them.
Since I was a teenager I have been dreaming of having a mutually successful, creative, inspiring friend group. The kind of friends mentioned in that tweet… but I only ever seemed to connect with the kind who wanted to step on me to get ahead.
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I’m in a sort of limbo right now. A crossroad between walking away from all the unfulfilling and toxic relationships I was a part of, and starting towards a new path… towards finding a new community. & It’s fucking scary. I’m not scared of being alone. I love being alone, I love spending time by myself… I’m scared of other people. I’m scared of trusting the wrong people. I’m scared of being taken advantage of again. I’m scared of being rejected.
I guess one way to reframe the fear is that I have nothing left to lose? The old me is already ashes. I will always be judged and misunderstood by the wrong people, regardless of the shape I mold myself into. People will think what they think, and none of it actually has anything to do with me… so I might as well write my own narrative. I might as well fire the lighthouse back up.
I set an intention when I created this blog. I set an intenton that it only reaches the right people. The people who relate, and understand. The people who will learn something or feel something from the thoughts I choose to share. I don’t have any more time to waste on worrying about how i’m perceived by people who don’t even know themselves. I’m not for everyone and I’m glad about that. But my people will never find me if I stay in the dark.
I’ve always been a bit afraid of being “too much” for people. I mask a lot, I hide a lot of what I’m really thinking and feeling... I hide a lot of my skills and talents. I hold myself back.
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I have also said “yes” to a lot of things I’d have rather said “no” to, and given away a whole lot of my time for free. I thought shrinking myself down in such a way would make people like me more. But all it did was make me feel inadequate and exploited.
I have never really felt like anybody in my life knew who I actually was, or how I truly felt. They saw the persona I created to appeal to them, but they didn’t see me. A large part of that is my own fault, but another part of that is the fact that I have never been in a space with people where I felt totally secure and totally comfortable being my true, messy, human self.
This is a real text message that I personally received. I never found out who sent it.
As I spent more time alone over the last 4 years, I reflected a lot about the kinds of relationships I was involved in. The kinds of people I was attracting, and the kind of person I was. I thought a lot about the people who stuck around for me after I became a mother, and also about the people who vanished… I thought about the ways I have been hurtful and toxic, and the ways my friends were being hurtful and toxic. I thought about the kinds of friends I would like to make, and I also thought about the kind of person I would need to become to attract those kind of people to me.
After all of that thinking, I basically just came to the conclusion that I am done making myself smaller than I am. Dumbing myself down and keeping myself quiet did nothing positive for me. It made me feel resentful, and it turned me into a doormat. Being less of who I am definitely did not help me make any more friends.
I am learning to allow myself to take up as much room as I need. I am learning to trust the positive voices in my life more than the negative ones… I am learning to use my voice again. & I am also learning that my voice matters — just as much as anyone else’s.
I might not have access to that “stairway” yet, but atleast I got my own ladder now. I’m gettin’ there.
xo, Haley ᵉMᵖTʸ